Kenny Bodanis

Times They Aren't A Changing...

Misogyny and homophobia are alive, well, and thriving within the comment sections of sports publications.
I suppose it is my own ignorance and naiveté that have cultivated my discouragement and despondency. 

In today's edition of the Montreal Gazette, columnist Stu Cowan published an article profiling the likely candidates for the Montreal Canadiens' General Manager position.
Among those being considered are two women.  The first, Émilie Castonguay, is described by Mr. Cowan as: 

 [Joining] Momentum Hockey in 2014 and, two years later, became the first female NHLPA-certified agent in Canada. She has represented a half-dozen NHL players, including Alexis Lafrenière, the No. 1 overall pick by the New York Rangers at the 2020 NHL Draft. Gorton was GM of the Rangers when they drafted Lafrenière, so he has a connection with Castonguay, who played four years of NCAA Division 1 hockey at Niagara University and graduated with a bachelor’s degree in finance in 2009. She later earned a law degree from Université de Montréal.

The second is Danièle Sauvageau, whom I have had the pleasure of working with in my capacity as a producer at the French sports network, Réseau des Sports. Mr. Cowan profiles her in the article as well:

Sauvageau was head coach of the Canadian women’s team that won a gold medal at the 2001 world championship and again at the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City. She has also been GM and a coaching adviser with the national women’s team, involved in six Olympic Games and several world championships, and worked as an assistant coach with the QMJHL’s Montreal Juniors before co-founding the women’s hockey program at Université de Montréal. Sauvageau also worked 24 years as a police officer.

These two candidates' pedigrees and qualifications unquestionably justify their upcoming interviews with Canadiens' Executive Vice-President Jeff Gorton. They are also the types of success stories middle-aged cisgendered caucasian males like me refer to when I give my son and daughter examples of how gender norms are changing, and western culture is becoming more accepting of the varieties of lifestyles that share this planet.

Roman K - BLM Solidarity

Then I scrolled past the article's closing sentence, and continued to the comment section.

"So the two choices are a female GM to head the softest team overall for almost every one of the last 25 years or another journeyman plumber. Any choice besides Gorton himself is just going to be spinning the hamster wheel."

"Yeah Stu, let's hire a bunch of women to run the team. I bet you'd love that."

"As long as sissy boys are making the decisions, you are correct. A real man like Patrick Roy would never stand a chance."

"Female ? Like Stu, get a grip."

"In professional sports, a fiery competitor is a skill. The fact that you don't know that just tells me that you have more estrogen in your body than I do. Maybe it's time you stopped watching and commenting on hockey and start watching something more up your alley. Like figure skating."

The last comment, mentioning figure skating, is one I am very familiar with. I have been taunted with some homophobic version of it since I took up the sports at 7 years of age. I want to believe humans are progressing toward enlightenment. Sadly, in my unspoken conscience, I don't believe that is true. My peers are accepting and open-minded (or, at least, act the part in my presence), but internet anonymity has allowed to thrive these types of human detritus. 
Sadder still is that many of these men (yes, I am assuming these sports bards are men) are fathers who share their brand of wisdom with their sons and daughters. These rancid nuggets of prejudiced thought are no doubt coupled with rain drops of off-colour jokes, and warnings - or even threats - about not being romantically (or even socially) involved with a person who is not a cisgender heterosexual. That perverted ideology then continues to be indoctrinated and passed to the next generation, and so on.

Tragically, so many children - cis, trans, and queer - are still receiving warnings from Mom and Dad that will prevent them from pursuing song, poetry, dance, drama, and any other myriad of passions. Their happiness is being squelched by their tyrannical Cro-Magnon parents who are determined to pervert this potentially inspirational human being into a racist, homophobic, anonymous commenter of my local sports section.

Mobilus in Mobili - Killin Hate

 

 

 

On 50.

 

"MIDDLE": adjective. Equally distant from the extremes.

                - Merriam-Webster definition.

 

Colloquially, I am Middle-Aged; statistically, I will be alive for 29 more years. I am not at all in the middle; I am nearly two-thirds done.
I am not on this side anymore; I am now on that side.

Youth showers in anticipation: the "I can't wait," years; the "One day I will," years; the "I'll show you," years.
Middle age bathes in reminiscence: "Do you remember..."; "I wonder what happened to..."; "This song transports me to..."

Generations parry and thrust as they compete to justify what music is relevant, which technologies are necessary, and how relationships are to be conducted. Each dueler defending their philosophies as if they were not entirely subjective, which, of course, they are. Our passions are not rooted in reality, but rather in nostalgia.
Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is not a seminal album, it is 10-year-old me sitting on my cousin's carpet, surrounded in musical wonder.
Star Wars is not groundbreaking science fantasy, it is 7-year-old me discovering a plastic toy left for me by my older brother outside my bedroom door.
Chain restaurant pizza is not a gourmet meal, it is a reminder of how I hid with friends, temporarily escaping my parents' quarrels.

Observing my children as they strive and tussle through school, I am constantly reliving, regretting, and re-evaluating my youth. I endlessly ruminate on past grade school sins: crimes of the heart, crimes of the body, and crimes of the spirit. We could be so joyful and yet so cruel. 
Obstacles that then seemed insurmountable - like studying and homework - I now realize were gifts, that could have paid rich dividends: dividends to the heart, and to the body and to the spirit.

50 - Roland Tanglao

The body is performing relatively well - though several thousand follicles have fled the scene. Touches of arthritis are raconteurs of an athletic youth, but also motivate my perpetual motion, and remind me of the cost of remaining still.
My mind only wanders, unlike my parents' which are in decay - perhaps another web of motivation and warning of a future genetic inheritance.

Age has provided me with security of personality - though that is a work in progress. I feel I have amassed wisdom to impart, patience to listen, and (more gradually) confidence to express myself - which often means making understood the importance I place on periods of solitude.

Longevity runs in my family. Aunts, uncles and cousins have explained how fifty will seem young when I am sixty; as sixty will when I am seventy, and so on. That must be true, since it is through that lense that I see forty, and thirty, and twenty...and 7.
At fifty, I love making my wife and children laugh. At fifty, when I sit and talk to friends for hours in my living room, I remember being a little boy sitting on the upstairs landing trying maddeningly to understand how my parents could stand to sit and talk to their friends for hours.
And yet.
And yet.
And yet.
I sound like my parents at least once a day when we touch on nutrition while standing in the kitchen, or on homework when loitering outside a bedroom, or on screen time and exercise while planted around the television. 
I am sure they will be fine. (Pretty sure...nearly sure.
Please let them be fine.)

I am excited about grandchildren - though there is no guarantee. Is that, too, motivated by wanting to transplant my memories to a new era of nostalgia? To immerse myself in the scent of an infant, or to relive the joy of catching a toddler on a slide? Or for my hug to be needed as opposed to occasionally permitted?

Up the Slide - Donnie Ray Jones

I desperately don't want to degenerate. Loss of mobility, loss of cognitive function, loss of independence. Terrifying. Yes, decades in the future perhaps, but they are now on this side, as opposed to that side.

There is inspiration everywhere: my neighbours, my cousins, my friends, the online community, the running community, the world at large. People decades older than me achieving, conquering, and travelling. Living.
Thank you.
Thank you for being there for me in The Middle. Thank you for showing me what is possible for my future self. Thank you for reminding me that what is done is done, and how much joy lies ahead, one day at a time.

Survey Examines Relationships with Departed Dads

Vikki Stark is a Montreal-based family therapist. She was a fantastic resource for me when I wrote about Aggressive Sports Parents for MenGetPregnantToo.com.
She is working on a new book, tentatively called: Since Dad Left Mom: Healing the Hurt for Adult Children of Divorced Dads. 
As she explains:

The premise is that when men leave their wives, particularly for an affair partner, the relationship between the dad and adult children often gets disrupted, or even estranged. My study aims to help those adult children and divorced dads understand each other and perhaps, find a path to healing.

As part of research for the book, she is asking moms, dads, and adult children to fill out a short survey. Please find the link below, and thank you so much for participating in this important topic!

Since Dad Left Mom

Healing the Hurt of Adult Children and Their Divorced Dads

 

Divorce by Istvan

Alive Magazine: How to Date Your Diet (The importance of being kind to yourself while committing to healthier eating)

This is the third in a three-part series on food, and our relationship with it, for Alive Magazine. In this article, I interview Laura Creek Newman, a registered dietitian at Winnipeg’s Wellness Institute, and Kristyn Hall, a consulting dietitian and nutritionist with the Calgary Weight Management Centre. Both experts discuss the importance of forgiving yourself for missteps while trying to maintain a healthy diet, and why it is so important to find your motivation for making a lifestyle change.

How to Date Your Diet (The importance of being kind to yourself while committing to healthier eating)

Alive Magazine - A Smorgasbord of Support Is the Key to Healthy Eating

This is the second in a three-part series on food, and our relationship with it, for Alive Magazine. This post, which discusses how a strong support system is vital to long-term success, features an interview with Toronto-based social worker Julia Skiadaresis. It is a web-exclusive companion to the article published in the March hardcopy edition: "Digging for the Roots of our Food: The Importance of Local Agriculture and Why Local Farmers Share Such Passion."

 

A Smorgasbord of Support Is the Key to Healthy Eating

Alive Magazine - Difficult to Digest: My Love/Hate Relationship with Food

This is the first in a three-part series on food, and our relationship with it, for Alive Magazine. This is an interview with my sister, Heidi, who candidly shared her struggles. It is a companion piece to my article "Love by the Bagful" which can be found in this month's hardcopy.

Difficult to Digest

My Love/Hate Relationship with Food

Losing Autonomy and Preserving Dignity - A Challenge for Parents and Children

"I never want to end up that way."

It seems such a definitive statement. So simple. No one wants to imagine themselves with dementia, unable to manage the basic needs of survival: shelter, nutrition, sanitation, etc.

Wish as we may, according to the Canadian Institute for Health Information, 1 in 4 people in this country age 85 and older will be diagnosed with dementia. How many of those insisted they did not want to end up that way?

Alzheimer - Rafael Ojea Perez

Mental acuity and physical well-being are, for most of a healthy person's life, like pieces of jewelry, a shimmering anklet. As an individual's autonomy is gradually lost, that anklet can become heavier and thicker until it transforms into a weight and shackle. Not only does this burden the bearer, it also shifts responsibility to that person's next of kin, generally their children. How does that child navigate this forest of dependence with a parent who, "Never wanted to end up that way"?

Is there a sweet spot? Is there a point in time when a parent and child can together clarify their roles and their wishes, and understand when and how to abdicate decisions that will impact an elderly person's life and death?

If there is a perfect moment, it is while both parties are patient and lucid. It can also never come too early.

Shelley Snow, PhD is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Montreal, Canada, who spent years working in hospitals with dedicated units for older patients, assisted living, and long-term care facilities. "Sit in a relaxed moment with the person,” she says. “Say, 'do you have any thoughts about, or have you ever considered, how you want to spend the next period of your life moving forward?'"
She emphasizes that calm, open-ended questions are less threatening. She says patience is paramount. "Sometimes it's a process over long periods of time."

Unfortunately, this conversation is often delayed—perhaps because of denial of its necessity or a fractious parent-child relationship—until an autonomous living environment becomes untenable, adding stress to an already delicate situation. "When people are at risk of dementia, and they start having difficulties with memory," Snow says, "that's probably when it is most fragile." It is also when it can be most frustrating. This is the moment when the parent a child has known their whole life starts to disappear, and is replaced by this new person, this fragile stranger. 

The child also assumes the role of protector, which often means being the person who strips away a parent’s foundation of individuality and freedom. A common example is when a parent is no longer competent to drive.
This conversation, Snow says, must be a delicate balance between validating a parent's feelings, and stating facts about why their operating a vehicle is no longer safe. She spoke about navigating this with her own mother. "The first thing I would say is, 'I understand this is very hard for you; I understand your anger. You've been doing this for many years, and it's really hard to not be able to drive anymore. We did not enjoy taking this away from you, but you had several accidents and you were putting yourself in danger, and other people in danger. That's why we had to do this.' I think the first thing is to affirm a person's feelings...the second thing is to remind the person [of what happened], because they may not remember."

Alzheimer Disease - Jonathan Baily NHGRI

These discussions become even more complicated because the child brings their history into the discourse. They are not only talking to their mother or father about driving, or assisted living or nursing care, they may also be walking into a room dragging a subconscious suitcase full of issues.
"There is [often] a lot of unresolved anger towards the parent that can make it much more difficult," Snow says. "[Children should] listen and hear, and put the parent's needs first, or even identify what [those needs] are, apart from what the child is wanting."
In some circumstances, they are not just talking to their parents about their care. They are also trying to resolve that argument about the boyfriend their father despised, and their mother’s curfew they didn't respect, and when the child insisted on moving away for school leaving the parent feeling abandoned.

"It can be really helpful," Snow says, "to have a person outside the situation who is a trained therapist helping: [A person] to sort through what is from the past, what is going on in the present, what they need to do for themselves, what has to happen ideally for the parents...and what they can live with."

Social workers, occupational therapists, doctors and nurses in a hospital may be the first interventionists when a patient is diagnosed with dementia and needs a change in their living environment. They, too, have invaluable experience in guiding not only the parent, but also counselling a child who is wrestling with stress, desperation, and a sense of helplessness.
Those feelings are also exacerbated by limited available options to seniors needing assisted living and late-in-life care. Shame and guilt can be overwhelming, especially when a parent asks to move in with their child. 
In some cultures, this is simply a given. Snow has worked with many Greek or Italian clients who have told her, "It wasn't an option. This is what we do."
She says it was not always easy, "It may be difficult and demanding, but there is just no question. They put up with all of it, because that's what they do." She admits that children do not always want their parents living with them. Regardless of the parent’s wishes, Snow says the choice is ultimately up to the child.

The choice of when to initiate conversations about the next—and eventually final—stages of life most often also rest with the child. "Listen exquisitely to what [your] parents or loved ones in your family who are getting older are telling you what they want and need." Snow says. "Look at what future plans are going to be. In my experience, if you listen really well, a person will tell you some very important things about what they need and what they want."

Which may avoid them ever being the person who didn't want to end up that way.

Grandfather - Tim Bouwer

About This Blog

During the summer of 2011, I launched my parenting blog: MenGetPregnantToo.com.

Exploring parenting, through interviews, writing, and research, only made me more curious about human nature in general. I wanted a forum to explore topics and writing formats (both fiction and non-fiction) not limited to being a father and a husband. Thus the creation of KennyBodanis.com. 

While I begin to curate content for this site, I have included below links to some of my favourite posts from MenGetPregnantToo.com . 

Thanks so much for stopping by, and I hope you enjoy reading away.

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Isolation: A Gateway to Disordered Eating?

Especially during the Covid-19 pandemic, emotional distress, despondency, or obsession are - and should be treated as - red flags of a more serious problem.
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Postpartum Depression: Early Symptoms and Preventive Measures

“One of the biggest predictors of whether women get postpartum depression and anxiety is if they had something not only during pregnancy, but before pregnancy as well."
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Caring for Caregivers - Expert Advice on Coping with Dementia

Families are often thrown into a state of panic by the realization of what steps must be taken to protect their parent.
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Alzheimer's and the Sandwich Generation

Often, there must be a bottoming out—a physical or psychological cellar, a darkness through which the ill cannot see without guidance and advocacy.
My mother fell into that cellar this past April.
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I'm Not Old, but I'm Getting There. (Just Ask My Night Table).

As with all life forms that have come before me, I am barreling towards extinction. My most recent reminder of this came courtesy of my dentist.
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Brain Development: What Happens in Utero Doesn't Stay in Utero

A new study suggests that, despite giving birth to an apparently healthy baby, the conditions in utero may have lasting effects which can be noticed once a child reaches adolescence.