Decoding Kids’ Thoughts is Key to this Parent’s Survival

Lately the impression I have of my children is: if they had a theme song which played whenever they entered a room it would be this:

 

If I could invent only one device, any device, which would facilitate my job as a parent it would be this:
The Speech-to-Thought Parenting Decoder Helmet, or STPDH.
How it would work:
I would wear a contraption on my head, something like this:

 It would have receptors which pickup my kids' brain-wavesgenerated in the moments immediately after I've spoken to them. Those waves would then travel through the helmet and into my brain via some form of cochlear implant. Along their path, the signals would be transformed into sound which would be interpreted by my cerebral cortex or grey matter or hippocampus or something. This new understanding would relieve me of great stress and frustration, and prevent me from repeating myself ad infinitum as well as generally freaking out at them when they seem to be ignoring me.
Here is what I think I would hear:

MY WORDS: "Get dressed for school and come to the table for breakfast, please."
THEIR THOUGHTS: "That cloud…cool cloud…it's almost like a monkey…or a unicorn…or a truck…but monkey's don't fly…neither do trucks…I'm hungry…"

MY WORDS: "No toys at the table. Put them down and eat, please."
THEIR THOUGHTS:"I like trucks…vroom…'putt…putt…'…wooshhhhhhh…pow!….vroom……screeeeeeeech…..crash……I'm hungry."

MY WORDS: "Go get your boots on, we're late!"
THEIR THOUGHTS: "Where is my boot?…i have to poo…should I go poo?…i'm tired….what am  looking for?…where did that plane come from?….where's my truck?…i think i'm pooing…it's cloudy today…"

MY WORDS: "Get out your books and get setup for homework. I'll get your snack ready."
THEIR THOUGHTS: "someWHERE Over the rainBOW….da…dee….doo…."

MY WORDS: "Wash your hands and face and come for supper."
THEIR THOUGHTS: "…look out!….here comes the super diver….('splash!')…oh, no!.. the killer penguin!!…swim diver!!!…(splash!)…swimMING, SWIMming in the SWIMming pool, when days are HOT, when days are COLD, in the swimming POOL….uh, oh, I should get a towel…look, there's one, folded neatly on the shelf for me…c'mere you…"

MY WORDS: "G'night. Love you. See you tomorrow."
THEIR THOUGHTS: "…keep him here….keep him here…ummm…tell him I have a tummy ache?….head ache?…maybe just 'I don't feel well?….no, no, he'll just tell me to go to sleep…how come I can't see the clouds?…oh, yeah…it's night time…oh, I've got it…." "Daddy, I have to poo."

There, now I get it. Thanks, STPDH!